The Fundraising Song

There are many great ways that are famed for fundraising
For building up churches and extending schools
But there’s none can compare with our curate’s persuasion
To gather in funds sure he changed all the rules.
Well he thought up his plans with Divine consultation
Sure the devil himself must have thought ‘twas a crime
Still he brought entertainment to his congregation
And put a new roof on the church in Kilbrien.

Well this plan that he thought of was simple and clever
You’ve heard of the crowds going to London each year
To see all the sights the red lights and the goings on
Father Pat said he’d bring part of London back here.
Walter Fennell in London was running a night club
Two girls on his bill were called Coffee and Cream
Such tasty delights would bring knew titillation
And edge appetites for the great London scene.

Well for weeks upon weeks Bohadoon was preparing
Some men went on starvation diets for a week
For ‘twas rumoured these brave London girls would be baring
Such things of great wonder we’d ne’r before seen
Into this big lounge sure in crowds we did scrounge
And we paid in our pounds to the priest at the door
And we took up our seats that were laid out so neat
The way we could peep though it was no peep show.

While drinking large bottles did some think of brothels
Says someone to me what’ll we do if ‘tis true
If these girls will uncover sure we will discover
Our cheeks they will blush with a bright rosy hue
But when the show started those fears they were thwarted
As those damsels cavorted all over the stage
Still there was no exposure which ruined our composure
And more said ‘twas no good and swore in a rage.

Well for two hours they pranced well I won’t say they danced
They retired and advanced throwing their clothes in the air
Some were pleased some were teased and some they felt fleeced
Whilst the smile on the priest showed he’d pleasure to spare
When the lights they grew dimmer those damsels looked trimmer
And in some kind of shimmer our eyes they did gleam
And no more could we focus on their hocus pocus
So then we stood up to sing Amhrán na bhFiann.

Ah! well there the night ended some tried to defend it
And more said ‘twas bingo would raise funds go leor
And more said ‘twas card drives if they could be run right
With a trip off to London going to the top score
And now every year sure we have an excursion
To that wonderful place where no sin can be found
Where the priests are’nt needed nor God is’nt heeded
There’s shops selling souls for a couple of pounds
There’s more than one queen there I can tell I have been there
‘Tis easy to reach for the jewel in the crown
With our blushes eroded on the buses we’re loaded
Off to London we’re roving for sport in that town.

I wrote this song to commemorate a unique fundraising event in the parish of Kilgobinet/Colligan /Kilbrien. The rumour machine ran riot for weeks before, promising a most unlikely attraction in a rural Irish Parish, a striptease show. The song paints a true picture and no scandal was given!